Death To Doing It All
You know what I’m tired of hearing? The statement, “I don’t know how you do it all.”
It’s not a fair statement, to be honest. In fact, a quick analysis of the statement, with or without context, tells me two very simple things. The first issue at hand is that the stater feels less than, not confident, and is probably comparing cards. The second issue is that the stater is assuming that the person being stated to has it all together, when really, person stated to might be trying to figure out how to issue a cry for help.
I don’t think it’s any major news flash to say that nobody does it “all”. Actually, one time, a long time ago, some 1950’s June Cleaver-ish housewife probably did do it all. Just once. Just one day, she did it all. And even that ship has sailed, sister. It might be a reality check for some, but it’s not brutal honesty for any of us to hear that reminder. Balls are falling, all the time, around each of us. This whole, “Look at how much I get done” thing? IT’S A FACADE. Anyone who tells you otherwise is just flat out delusional. (And seriously, does anyone really say that?)
As I stand here and type this, the dishwasher is open beside me. Yes, I’m standing and typing. It’s easier to stop mid-sentence and run after a kid if I’m standing, rather than sitting with the laptop open on my lap. A baby is in her high chair, trying out turkey hot dogs for the first time. Cold turkey hot dogs. You can start subtracting the mommy points right now. Trust me, I’m going to be working with a major deficit by the end of this paragraph. Two boys are in the other room watching Leap Frog. I told them Tigger move was broken because I’m tired of it already and we’ve only had it on Netflix for a week. Someone just let out a gutteral scream, probably because his brother is sitting on him. I didn’t have to intervene, the screaming stopped. Oh, wait, it just started again.
[Between these two paragraphs I gave one kid a cold turkey hot dog to distract him from bothering his brother. I told his brother to quit whining for no reason, that I’m tired of walking in there and telling him to stop crying.]
And let’s not even get in to what I’m wearing or the last time I washed my hair. I’m not sure I have answers for those questions.
Where was I? Oh, emptying the dishwasher. And trying to write between putting plates away and spoons away, before this post leaves my head.
As a mom to three small kids, a business owner, and a product designer, I would (really) like to establish once and for all: IT DOESN’T ALL GET DONE. And until we quit making the unfair statement “I don’t know how you do it all,” and start asking something else, we are doing ourselves and our community a major disservice. We’re not helping each other grow, we’re not asking how we can help, we’re not listening to our fellow creative mamas. We’re assuming that there are two sides to this world: one where people have “arrived”, and one where people are less-than.
NOBODY is less-than. EVERYONE has value.
To those who feel you are on the outskirts of blogs and Instagram and Pinterest, who feel like you are looking in, assuming that social-media savvy creatives accomplish massive amounts of productive activities every day, please, give yourselves some credit. Some super-mega, fabulous, fantastic, creative mama credit! YOU ARE AWESOME. You are wrangling big ideas and little tyrants on a daily basis.
Mamas and creatives, and creatives who are not mamas, can we, at this very moment, make a pact? An agreement to QUIT asking each other, “How do you do it all?” Can we stop phrasing that question in a way that plays the comparison game? Can we end the discussions about who’s more accomplished, and just operate with the understanding that NO ONE IS DOING IT ALL?
The challenge: Let’s universally agree to drop the word “all” from the tail of that sentence.
Instead of saying, “I don’t know how you do it ALL,” and asking, “How do you do it ALL?”, let’s just start asking, “How do YOU do it?” Let’s ask each other what systems provide balance, what rituals offer sanity, what routines help with productivity. Let’s have conversations about the things that we sacrifice for the benefit of things that matter more. Let’s talk about the lessons that we are learning, so that we can make the journey for future creative mamas smoother. Most mamas are constantly searching for resources, experts, people who are better at things than they are, things that can be delegated.
As a response to the question, “How do YOU do it?”, I would like to propose a more productive conversation: tell us about your awesome. Tell us how you do the important stuff. Tell us how you do what matters. Tell us how you found your balance. Tell us what your strengths are. Tell us what lessons you learned. Blog about your awesome loudly. Because the world needs your expertise, your passion, and the lessons you’ve learned. The world needs your AWESOME. The world doesn’t need to know how you do it “all”. The world needs to know how you do that one little thing really, really well.
What is your AWESOME? Help other mamas do that.
Love your article! As I think back to when my three were young, I remember how hectic and frustrating is was to have three in diapers at the same time, how overwhelming a day could become…and if I could tell myself anything back then, I would say… “The days fly by, take a deep breath, look around at the blessings, be thankful for what I have, let the dishes sit in the sink and sit on the floor and play with the babies!”
Thank you. I feel better about putting on the dreadful Yo Gaba Gaba for the littlest one so I could enjoy my coffee and a minute of the news on my “day off”. Having your own business is exausting & rewarding however social media can cut you to the core when others successes come on your most hectic day. Thanks Again!!
This is so, so great, Whitney. Poignant, encouraging, and well written. I think that vulnerability will really transform this community if we let it. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there!
Anne, I so agree with you! This is what we need in our community – a few more doses of reality would boost us all a bit. 🙂
Oh Whitney – this is EXACTLY what I needed to read right now. As I type I’m looking over a mountain of paper on my desk, I have a kitchen that needs cleaning, I have 2 full laundry baskets and I have half a photoshoot sitting on my dining table which I’m going to have to clean away as it’s thunderstorming outside and I won’t be able to shoot again until Monday…plus I have my son’s birthday cake to make, and a million new products to upload to our website. ARGH!!! So good to read this, sometimes I forget that every mum is in the same boat and feel so guilty, thank you for this post! Much love xx
Love every part of this and your perspective! As a small publisher and two teen boys, I can attest to not ever getting it ALL done.
AMEN! I love this! This is my first visit to your blog (found it through somebody’s tweet :)) and I just love your perspective on this issue. People ask each other, “How do you do it all” all the time and I agree, it needs to stop. I’m totally on board with the whole, “Help each other out” idea! Thanks for this today!
Amen, sista!
I think this is probably the best blog I have ever read – You wrote start to my heart and brain! While I don’t have three underfoot only one (with 2 on the way) I am guilty of asking this of other Moms. Now I will revise my conversation to “give me your best tip and I’ll give you mine (now I have to figure out what that is though 🙂 ).
Thank you and good luck with emptying the dishwasher!
Wonderful post! I’ve referred to it as Super Woman syndrome. I’ve always said, hey, I just fight the fires with the biggest flames and keep spinnin’ the plates!!! I’ve broken a few plates, I’ve gotten burned a couple times– and often, I feel like a big dummy, but it’s all a part of the process of growing. Such a good conversation, Whitney. Love ya!
So so good. Preach it. This seriously had me laughing and then crying. Feeling like you have to do it ALL is a lie. Something has to give. Thanks for the incredible reminder today that others aren’t doing it all either. Look forward to seeing how other mom’s do their awesome.
This. 1000x this.
Yessssssss! I totally agree. I use to envy bloggers w/ children who always look so seamlessly put together. Not to mention their homes, their homes are what dreams are made of. But then I realized that just because someone looks put together in one aspect of their life, doesn’t mean they have it ALL figured out. They just showcase the part of their life that they do!
This inspired me to blog about my own struggle with “doing it all”. Thanks for writing and inspiring that. And again, you’re awesome. (PS: I’m so impressed that you were able to do anything with the dishwasher OPEN. Any time that thing opens in our house, a 15 month old is trying desperately to climb inside. :))
Amen, Whitney! It’s so encouraging to hear that someone else’s life looks just like mine! 🙂 Between the wrestling, yelling and cold hot dogs, it’s so hard to accomplish much most days. However, I can already see those precious moments with my 3 boys sneaking by as they get older. Soon there won’t be cold hot dogs and yelling and wrestling and we will have all the time in the world. At that point, I am sure we will wish ALL the noise and chaos to return to our quiet little check-mark producing lives. {sniff! sniff!} 🙂 xo
That last paragraph is super encouraging, thank you!
I love everything about this and whole-heartedly accept the challenge! It is so easy to focus on those highlight reels and forget the reality! I love your description of your attempt to write a post. I can only work standing with my laptop on the high counter. It’s the only place my Lillie can’t get to it! If I try to sit, she just climbs up and wants to “help.” Never a dull moment! Thanks for encouraging us all!
I don’t even have kids; not even married and thinking about kids, but I thought this post was fantastic! It helps give us gals without kids a little perspective on all the hard working momma’s out there. Very well written. I’m still waiting on that award winning book of yours! xoxo
I can’t imagine adding another ball to juggle. Right now, I’m good at ‘doing it all’ but ‘all’ is myself, work, my small apartment, my boyfriend and my low maintenance dog. And blog I suppose. Throw kids in there? A career with longer hours? I don’t know what I’d do with myself. It’s already on a precarious balancing beam that cannot be upset!
(I think I’ll casually throw in here – thank goodness for my day designer!)
Love how you write always so spot on.I was just having a convo with my hubby yesterday how I feel mediocre at everything right now..motherhood, wifey, house keeper, biz owner…you name it I am feeling pretty much life a half “butter” at it. You know your right I sure can not do it “all” I dont know how to do it all!! Including being mom of the year! So off to a more positive out look at my “ALL”
XOXO-love ya
I have had this kind of post in mind for a few weeks now! You put everything I’ve felt for so long perfectly. Thank you….
Whitney,
I think of some of the great women of our time and my Mother included. Raising a family, parenting, loving, giving can be so rewarding if we allow ourselves to make mistakes or room for laughter. It’s true with all the media around, we are sort of brainwashed that we have to do it all and have it all. It’s pretty simple to remind other women to slow down, enjoy time in your day, find joy in the simple things.
pve
Thank you so much for writing this – I really needed to read it. I only have one child who, thankfully is now old enough to dress, wash and feed herself – but who needs ‘more’ from me on an emotional level as she discovers that life is not 100% sweet and magical. Coming home from my job, exhausted after fighting all the silly battles that each day brings, I will admit that there area times when I would much rather just hide – but cuddles are free and I’ve come to realise that they help me as much as they help her. So my top tip: even if the house is a tip, the dishes haven’t been done for days, you haven’t blogged or created anything of significance for days? Ignore it for a small moment, and just give yourself 100% over to your child, even if its only for 20 minutes. You’ll feel better and stronger for it, and more able to deal with the ‘everyday minutiae’. It’s taken a long time (and lots of therapy) to realise that I can’t do it all and that I shouldn’t keep trying, because it will destroy me. So I do what I can, I make mistakes (and own up to them) and I accept that it can’t all get done..
Thanks Whitney! You were a pick of the week on the podcast thedigishow, what a great read!
LOVE your article! I have had that facade up for 42 years of marriage. I had not really noticed it until my fibromyalgia has gotten bad enough that I have had to stop multi-tasking. I have 10 grandchildren, I have a Scout job that is very stressful and time consuming. I have been the bookkeeper for our family business and have kept my home together. Thank you for acknowledging that we are all wonderful! And we are all overly stressed out! I am going to try to take more ME time and do some of the things that I want to do. Like digital scrapbooking! I want to remember the fun times and the cute changes in each of my children’s and grandchildren’s faces as they grow and learn. I want to spend time enjoying my husband instead of suddently remembering that the laundry needs my attention. I noticed this week how very gray his hair has gotten in just the last few months and am shocked to realize that he is nearly 72! Where has the time gone? I am going to spend this next week looking for ways to cut back on the work load and enjoy my most precious blessings… MY FAMILY! Thanks for the article!